Have you ever been defined or are you guilty of ever defining someone else by their family? Yes family is a huge part of every person's life. Whether you are adopted, have a small family or a huge family, even if you are your own family, that is the mold in which you are raised. For the most part, people are ultimately good, although the standards have drastically dropped. That is usually because they have had the backing of family to support and love them through even the most difficult obstacles. Notice when a celebrity wins an award, they thank God and their mother. Point is, family is everything.
If you see a woman and a man walking through a grocery store, hair is nasty, clothes threadbare, teeth, if they have any, are rotten and they reek of alcohol and cigarettes, would you immediately think 'damn crackheads' or would you consider the environment in which they were raised and what sort of conditions they were subjected to? If one were to dig deeper, one would find that both were raised by single mothers, the woman's father having been in jail and the man's father being unknown. The woman's mother was a prostitute and addicted to cocaine while pregnant. The man's mother lived on the streets and depended on the generosity of others to even live. Not the ideal conditions to be raised in. No opportunity at all to advance themselves, to become better people. They were simply products of their environment.
Now, imagine this couple had a daughter. First thought? The daughter will become a crack whore and end up dead or in jail before she's 20. Right? What if the daughter saw her parents and how they lived, knew how they were raised, how SHE herself was raised, and didn't want that? Do you think she could get out of that lifestyle? Would her family define who she was destined to be? Putting herself into God's hands and excelling all through school, she worked two jobs to put herself through college. Now she's at a prestigious lawfirm in a big city, making sure her parents live more comfortably than they had ever dreamed. Pretty good for a supposed crack whore.

Family is important and I love mine dearly. But they will never define who I am. Call me the black sheep if you will, but I wanted better. Although some made me feel like I was being selfish, I took control of my life and got out while I still could. I may of hurt some people in my wake, but as a given rule of family, all was eventually forgiven. As much as I hate to ever admit it, I sometimes think about where I'd be if I had stayed. An alcoholic? Probably. A bunch of kids with different Daddies? More than likely. Not working and living off the state? Good chance. As it stands right now, even though my husband and I sometimes struggle, I work a good paying job and have a national certification to prove I know what I'm doing. We own our house, our vehicles and are giving our daughter the best life we can. I can't ask for much more.

A friend of mine, earlier today, told me to just let it go. I can't do anything to change things and it's not my problem. It's times like today when I wish I were still back with my family so I could show them that what they are doing is wrong. But that's God's work, not mine. I know this, but it still bothers me. I admit I don't know the whole story, I really only have one side. The Facebook side. Wonderful intentions, terrible results. Now it seems I have a minute to minute play-by-play of the family drama. The drama that revolves around one cousin in particular. It's not all hearsay and gossip. This is coming straight from her, which, to me, makes it that much worse. I love her, she's family, we grew up very close and we've always kept in touch. But if I were to type 'self-centered dumbass' into Wikipedia, her picture would pop up.
She's a few years younger than myself, putting her at about 24-25, honestly I don't recall her birth year. She has three children. The first child being fathered by a man who graduated high school with her mother. Dumbass moment number one. The second two children were fathered by the man who is currently her second husband (I'll get into the first husband in a minute!) and he is in jail. In fact it was shortly after their wedding a few months ago he was arrested and thrown in jail for I believe, 11 months. So here she is, raising three children alone while she herself still acts like a child. 
Her eldest son, whose biological father wasted no time running away when he found out she was pregnant, has a wonderful Dad. In comes my cousin's first husband. Her boyfriend for the longest time, their relationship was turbulent at the best of times. It was during one of many break ups, that she became pregnant with her first child. Even knowing the boy wasn't his, her boyfriend accepted her back and even married her to give the child his name. On paper, he is the boys father. A man couldn't love his child more than he does his boy. After trying for the child's sake to make the marriage work, it ended in a messy divorce. My cousin was granted custody because her ex-husband had gone into the Army. He knew that although it limited his contact with his son, it gave him the means to better provide if something ever happened to him. Even though they were divorced and my cousin can hold a grudge with the best of them, he still made sure his life insurance policy listed her as beneficiary. It was meant to have her be able to access the money to take care of their son should he not come home from overseas.
That should have meant something to her. She should have been thankful to have a man who cared about her son that much and was willing to place his life on the line just so his son could have health insurance. You want to know what she said? She hoped he'd die fighting the war so she could get the insurance money. Never did I hear her mention their son. Back to the present where the only battle her ex sees is in a courtroom instead of a desert. I don't know why he isn't granted custody of their child. I'm not privy to that information. All I know is he feels he'd be more able to provide for his son than she. Not long ago, she griped, on Facebook, about not having enough money for school supplies and having the time for her eldest to attend school. Her ex, as sweet and polite without any hint of malice (it too was posted on Facebook so this I know as a fact) offered to take their son for the school year and she could have him holidays, school vacations and the summer. All the while still paying her child support and with the hope of easing her load of raising three kids alone. Instead of taking him up on his offer, or even thanking him for it, she proceeded to call him ever name in the book, cursing his name all over the place. It wasn't as if he was taking the boy to another state, he lived 30 minutes away.
My question is did she think about what was best for her son? Does she ever think of what's best for any of her children? Or did she let pride get in the way? Will these poor children be doomed to follow in their mother's footsteps? Maybe if I were there I could try to teach them how to break free of the mold of family. Never let it become who you are. Unless of course, that's exactly who you want to be. The only thing I can do is pray. God will lead the way and maybe, hopefully, He'll shed some light on the situation to my cousin. All I want is for her to be healthy and happy but it seems she's determined to be neither.

This story is par for the course in my family. Not exactly the same but most all cut from the same cloth. I'm a part of that cloth. But I cut myself free and like to think I'm more of a patchwork quilt. I only hope future generations can tear free and sew themselves into a new pattern of life. God Bless them and let Him guide them safely.